Filed under: daniel's heart
sup yous
so life is really good. just thought i would put that out there for the people i talk to once every other year. there is a lot of newness in my life right now and it is pretty sweet. the beginning of may i moved out of my parents house and moved in with two good friends. the location of our wonderful abode is in a town called shoreline (a fancy way of saying north seattle). it is a cozy little three bedroom house with a big backyard and covered deck that we have already broke in. my roomies are guys that i ave known for years through a secret brotherhood called the geiger troop. james, the house boss, is a 23 year old looker who is working as a civil engineer. he looks a lot like ryan stiles:
my other roomie is mark who is also a looker but he has no celebrity comparison that i can think of. mark currently works in a middle school keeping it real and is eagerly awaiting a reply from uw grad school for the fall. he will be going for his masters of education if all goes according to plan. our house has already become a home filled with warmth and love and it is so awesome to get to live with such good-looking and fun-loving guys.
i also just started a new job at nw montessori school. it is a pre-school and i am a teacher’s assistant. thus far it has been amazing. i get to work side and learn from an amazing staff of people that love what they are doing. and i also get to hang out with some really talented, intelligent, and super cute kids. i really have enjoyed it and am looking forward to continuing on through the summer there.
i am also just really being renewed right now, but it really is like re…newed. i am somehow coming back into myself in a really cool way but at the same time it feels like it is something comepletely new and different. i am so thankful for what is going on and it is a really cool confirmation of God’s presence in my life. He is just re…minding me that He made me a joyful, silly, crazy, relational person. and for a while i haven’t really been living those things, and i even started to think that was just my youthful personality but He is not letting me be rid of those things and i am so thankful. i feel lighter and freer than i can ever remember. so good. thank you Father.
Filed under: daniel's heart
so for some reason this seems really necessary. by this i mean the blog to follow, it kind of doesn’t really seem like something i should share but i will anyways. don’t worry no blood or guts or anything.
i am at a really weird point in my relationship with Jesus right now and i thought i would share. so i have grown up in the church, been getting brainwashed since before i could remember (sarcasm). and it has been a few years now where i have been having all sorts of new revelations about Him and me and how we interact. looking back i can easily see how much it has all evolved and changed and it is cool to see but the lates bit has been really weird and tough.
weird because lately my biggest desire in my “Christian life” has been to be less Christian. i have lost my desires for reading the bible and doing daily devotions. i have lost my desire to evangelize to the people around me who don’t know Jesus. i have completely thrown away the idea that i should only listen to and watch things that are “of Him”. i threw out a lot of the “healthy practices” that i was taught about how to take thoughts captive.
tough because these were what i gaged my life on for so long. i don’t know when that happened but it has been that way subconciously for a long time. and so i have felt for a while now like a complete failure, and for good reason because i have certainly been a lot of things i am not pround of. but these things weighed on me too. i felt guilty that i hadn’t been reading my bible, and actually currently i don’t even know where it is i haven’t seen it for a couple weeks. i felt guilty that i was never talking to my friends about Jesus, but i never really did that so it wasn’t a big deal. and so a lot of the things i stopped doing were the Christian mood control things that simply weren’t working. i stopped trying to take my thoughts captive. i stopped trying to pray good things for awful people. and it got really miserable. and i eventually got to this point where i was really unsure of whether Jesus was what i wanted. after abondoning a lot of the rules i had learned i felt abandoned by Him. awful. and to be honest i am not sure what has happened since, but i am not really there anymore. i am still really confused and frustrated with the lack of power i see coming from this Spirit that is apparently at work in me and all Christians but somehow i am finally back in a place where i know that i at least want Jesus. and that is good. and i think that is really the main part of Christianity anyways, wanting. k bye
ps: it feels way more awkward to post this now than it did before. ehhhh
so i feel as though my brain can only deal and process and care about so much stuff at one time. to some degree this might be why i am so bad at multi tasking, but that is a different topic. but lately i have been feeling so crazy because when left to my own thoughts i find myself being continually just consumed by some things going on around me. so really if i had to give a Seidel percentage i would say that over the past 2 weeks 35% of my brain energy has been used up in mulling and brooding over some situations. then there is another 60% of my brain energy that has been just completely consumed by myself, and my entitlement to righteous anger, and just how justified i am in feeling like a victim. the other 5% is misc. (not sure how to actually spell it out).
anyways
then i just got some really cool news from some friends of just an amazing way that God has spoken to them recently in their own words “these… experiences have reconciled every doubt i’ve had in God”!!!
Thank you Jesus! thank you that there is so much more to worry about in this life than just me, and my minor problems. thank you that you are supporting those who really are struggling. thank you God that you have heard my prayers but given me responses different to what i wanted because this is the stuff that matters. that you give hope to the hopeless. light in the darkness. thank you that you are so patient with me when i choose to be consumed by myself rather than by your all consuming fire. thank you that you are unchanging. and thank you that you are the perfect companion in those hard times filled with doubt. thank you that your heart can break with theirs even as your heart is hurting from something else.
hearing this news i was instantly convicted of how i constantly focus on my issues even though i am not the main character of this whole huge drama (I stole those words). i don’t want to miss anymore of this show HE is putting on due to my tendency to keep looking inwardly.
