Daniel Seidel’s Weblog

so for some reason this seems really necessary. by this i mean the blog to follow, it kind of doesn’t really seem like something i should share but i will anyways.  don’t worry no blood or guts or anything.

i am at a really weird point in my relationship with Jesus right now and i thought i would share.  so i have grown up in the church, been getting brainwashed since before i could remember (sarcasm).  and it has been a few years now where i have been having all sorts of new revelations about Him and me and how we interact.  looking back i can easily see how much it has all evolved and changed and it is cool to see but the lates bit has been really weird and tough.

weird because lately my biggest desire in my “Christian life” has been to be less Christian.  i have lost my desires for reading the bible and doing daily devotions.  i have lost my desire to evangelize to the people around me who don’t know Jesus.  i have completely thrown away the idea that i should only listen to and watch things that are “of Him”. i threw out a lot of the “healthy practices” that i was taught about how to take thoughts captive.

tough because these were what i gaged my life on for so long.  i don’t know when that happened but it has been that way subconciously for a long time.  and so i have felt for a while now like a complete failure, and for good reason because i have certainly been a lot of things i am not pround of.  but these things weighed on me too.  i felt guilty that i hadn’t been reading my bible, and actually currently i don’t even know where it is i haven’t seen it for a couple weeks.  i felt guilty that i was never talking to my friends about Jesus, but i never really did that so it wasn’t a big deal.  and so a lot of the things i stopped doing were the Christian mood control things that simply weren’t working.  i stopped trying to take my thoughts captive.  i stopped trying to pray good things for awful people. and it got really miserable. and i eventually got to this point where i was really unsure of whether Jesus was what i wanted.  after abondoning a lot of the rules i had learned i felt abandoned by Him.  awful. and to be honest i am not sure what has happened since, but i am not really there anymore.  i am still really confused and frustrated with the lack of power i see coming from this Spirit that is apparently at work in me and all Christians but somehow i am finally back in a place where i know that i at least want Jesus.  and that is good.  and i think that is really the main part of Christianity anyways, wanting.  k bye

ps: it feels way more awkward to post this now than it did before.  ehhhh